The Non-Pickup Artist: Online and Shitty Bar Styles

First up: On-line

I open my match.com e-mails (might as well get a kick out of them, even though I am not responding) to find this little gem awaiting:


doubled858

30-year-old manNewark, NJ, US
Seeking: Women 26-35

Subject: First Question

In your About my life section are you trying to out crazy someone?

Can't say I watch MTV but I have been depressed ever since the Creek (Dawson's Creek) went off the air.

Feel free to reply.

Um. OK. Yes, you SHOULD insult the girl you're emailing in the first line. And yes, I will feel free to reply that indeed, you are a douchebag.

Scene: Shitty Bar, Hoboken, NJ. Hanging out with friends from high school when a girl I work with unexpectedly stumbles into the bar. Squee! Sohappyohmigodtoseeyou! Squee!

I introduce her to my HS friend. They chat. I walk to the bar to get said drunken friend a St. Pauly's Girl N.A. Am stopped by random dude thusly:

Random Dude: Oh my god! I haven't seen you in so long.

Me: Blank stare.

Random Dude: Remember me?

Me: Blank stare.

Random Dude: C'mon, we went to high school together, remember?

Me: (Looking two feet past Random Dude to High School Friend) Uh, did we go to high school with this guy?

High School Friend: No.

Random Dude: (Deer-caught-in-headlights look on his face) Uh, I, uh....

Me & HS Friend: (Dissolve into hysterical laughter)

Random Dude: (Leaves bar. Quickly)

This whole being single thing? Is awesome.