You suck. You suck so badly that I said, out loud, to more than one person and definitely my manager, that I hoped you rot in hell. All 28 of you. Including the two babies. Who are seemingly probably innocent in all this if it wasn't for a). the fact that they probably aren't baptized yet and, if they were to perish, they would likely join you in hell because, you know, original sin and all and YOU DIDN'T SAVE THEIR SOULS YOU TERRIBLE PARENTS and b). the screaming. Oh God. THE SCREAMING.
Really, I appreciate having to carry heavy plates/large trays of hot coffee/ten cosmopolitans in wobbly glasses to your tables while your nine, yes NINE, children all under the age of seven play Ring-Around-the-Rosie IN BETWEEN MY LEGS. It's totally easy to do. Like walking in the fucking park. While being attacked by a gaggle of Canadian geese, forty-seven hundred crows and sixteen rabid dogs. Yeah, it's that easy.
And really, also, planning your parents' 40th anniversary dinner for eight p.m. and you know, delaying ALL NINE kids' dinners by THREE HOURS without, you know, planning ahead or giving them snacks or NOT STARVING THEM was probably one of the more spectacular moments in parenting I've witnessed in awhile. Up there with that guy who forgot that his little baby was in the back seat of his minivan and he locked her in the car in 97 degree weather and you know, she DIED. I just want to say this to all three sets of parents: YOU ARE GODDAMN GENIUSES. It's almost like all of you were first time parents. Except you aren't! Because you all have multiple children! And really, it's amazing how little foresight you can have, what with completely fucking up their eating schedules and then, incredulously, wondering why all nine kids and two babies are collectively LOSING THEIR SHIT.
And guess what? Telling me that you think I did a really good job and that you're sorry that it was, and I quote, "a little hectic" is really nice and all but 1). " a little hectic" doesn't even BEGIN to cover the complete and total shit show this dinner turned out to be and the sheer desperation I felt while trying to serve you and 2). you know how you can say thank you? You can pay me. In cash. The biggest tip of your life. Because actually just saying thank you? And not tipping me over the 19 percent that's automatically included? Doesn't mean shit.
See you in hell.
I'll bring the sunscreen.
-Vicki
3 comments:
Was Jon there too, or just Kate? :)
Actually, Jon was there. I counted him in the nine kids. LOL
Vicki..you rock my world...you and I should go into business together...I know exactly where you are coming from.
--Mark
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