And I Am So Keeping My Eye on You

Maybe this is just a by-product of being a hair shy of thirty (ew) or of generally being too awesome for words (probably not) but there's a strange phenomenon that has been occurring lately.

I like to call it "A Situation Wherein All of Your Past Errors in Judgement Come Back to Haunt You" or, more simply, "Attack of the Douches."

You see, this thing has been happening where men from my past, specifically men with whom I had a romantic interest in/connection with, have been contacting me, out of the blue, preaching that they have CHANGED and please give them a SECOND CHANCE because don't you know it's DIFFERENT NOW. As opposed to EARLIER when they were asshole douche bags and did things such as, you know, woo me and then sleep with me and then never call me again. Totally stand up guys.

And because I'm an extremely forgiving person (see also: SUCKER) I usually wind up giving the ex-douches a second chance because hey, people can change, right? RIGHT?

//Tap, tap. This thing on?//

So, anyway. The story is the same. Ex asshole calls/Facebook messages/emails me and opens the communication door. Usually at least one year after they screwed me over the first time. This initial communication is eminently reasonable and rather nice and polite. Because, hey, no hard feelings and I'm not the type to dwell on past injustices (yeah, right), I respond, usually reasonably as well. Phone conversations ensue. There is a profession of guilt (on his part, of course), followed by something to the effect of a half apology and capped off with some begging for a second chance. I react dubiously. He showers me with compliments. I cannot resist compliments. There are semi-romantic declarations of you were THE ONE. And he SCREWED IT ALL UP. Please, please, give him a SECOND CHANCE. Insert some fierce romantic tendencies and I relent.

We meet. It's great. Hilarious. Effortless. Drunk. Hot make up sex ensues. Then...

Nothing.

No follow up phone calls. No more emails. No more communication of any kind.

And it's like, what? Did you really just do all that legwork, make all those proclamations, put in the effort to contact me out of nowhere, just to sleep with me because ... why? To prove you still could? To prove that people don't, can't and never will change? To use me?

I'm just sort of baffled. And yes, I realize that I could, you know, STOP BEING SO EASY but hey. That's not my style. And if you're the kind of guy who is going to lose respect for me because I, you know, LIKE SEX and you know, AM SINGLE, and you know, CAN DO IT WITH WHOEVER I WANT. Well then, you're not the guy for me anyway.

At least this has happened a few times now and I'm prepared. So, ex-douches be ye warned: I'm NOT FALLING FOR IT.

ANYMORE.

It only took me, oh, seven tries. But I have LEARNED, DAMMIT.

Because I'm, like, real smart. Or something.